Don’t Sabotage the Process - AFBF/Dadcast

Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 6's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. We talk a little about the 7th conversation at the end of this episode.

Show notes below.

The show Questions are below that.

 

Don't Sabotage the Process

The fifth commandment, Exodus 20:12, says to “honor your father and your
mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” Colossians 3:20 says “children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ”Child-centered parenting tends to ignore this principle. But vs 21 is just as important, which says, “Fathers not to embitter your children or they will become discouraged” (athumeo, which is to be broken in spirit). Authoritarians ignore this principle. We want to help our children honor the Lord and honor us, so that they can have a good life, a long life. Don’t weaponize these scriptures against them, carry the privilege of being a parent
and do what is right. Train your children to the standard of Scripture. Not to how you feel, not to what the culture mandates. Sadly, parents usually don’t see the negative results of their permissive or authoritarian structures until later in life. They are unaware of the cracks forming during the adolescent years, and then torrents of conflict flood the teen years.

Here are some ways that parents undermine their children’s training. I’m going
to give four negative models of parenting, and I’m going to give extreme examples in order to drive home the point that these models are destructive. Don't feel condemned, all of us need correction, all of us have missed the mark somewhere. Just to let you know, I am still correcting my own misunderstandings.

A threatening, repeating parent.

This parent will give instructions which need to be followed. When the child
refuses to comply, the parent then threatens punishment, but doesn’t follow through.

Threatening then turns into bargaining. When bargaining fails, the parent has lost the battle. This then necessarily leads to punishment, which is typically weak at best. This parent wants compliance, but is unwilling to enforce the boundaries or distribute the appropriate punishment. Which means that the parent is enforcing disobedience. They console themselves that they are being patient. What they are actually doing is training the child to habitually ignore instruction. As time goes on the child will become irritated with the incessant and hollow threats of the parent. And the child’s willful disobedience is
strengthened. This same child is also being trained to ignore God as they get older. To them, sin is a myth and God is another weak-willed parent who isn't concerned with true obedience.

A parent who bribes.

This parent, much like the previous one, tries to barter with a child in hopes of
gaining obedience. When bribing doesn’t work, threats are employed. But here is what is different from the previous model: when threats do not work, scare tactics are used. For example, Mom says, “If you clean your room, I’ll give you a candy bar.” Later Mom sees that the room hasn’t been cleaned so she says, “If you don’t clean your room, I’ll have to take you to the orphanage.” I know this sounds extreme, but I have actually witnessed such tactics. This model avoids conflict through bribery; but, when results don't happen, it
passes right by the process of repeating threats and goes straight into manipulation (which is witchcraft).

A parent who negotiates in conflict.

This is a tough one. Let’s say your four year old needs to eat everything on his
plate before he can have dessert. He throws a fit. He has to spend some time in his room and then come back to the supper table to finish his plate. He eats half of it and says he’s ready for dessert. This is negotiation, this is not acceptable. He goes to his room for more contemplation. You bring him back out with the same instructions, “Finish your plate so you can have dessert.” He then finishes everything but one bite. He now expects to get dessert. This is still not acceptable because you are the parent, and he is not in charge.
Maybe you don’t want to pick the supper table as a battlefield. There are times when a child really can't fit any more food in their stomach. And there really are foods that are odious to a child. I remember such foods. So, I am not advocating food abuse. But parents really need to promote full obedience. Honestly, this is often how we deal with
God. We give him 50%, 70% or even 90% of what He asks. But 90% of what he asks is still disobedience. Work on getting 100% obedience from your child. Work on giving God 100% obedience. Have grace for your children since we also fall short of 100% obedience.

A passive, compassionate parent.

I’m not against a parent who is compassionate. But sometimes compassion is a
mask covering the selfishness of a child. For example, your five year old son really likes the neighbor boy's bike. He takes it whenever he wants and goes for a ride. He brings it home and puts it in the garage as if it were his own bike. When the neighbor boy wants his bike, he can’t find it. It’s always in your garage. This is stealing. But the “compassionate” parent will say, “ My son is learning to mature in property rights. He feels a sense of community, that everyone should share their material items. I don't want to squelch that virtue of creating a shared community.” Or the parent may say, “ My son
forgot that it wasn’t his bike. It was an oversight” This is covering up sin and making it look acceptable. This is not compassion, this is being an accomplice to the sin of your child. You are raising a thief. In fact, you are a thief. When your son grows up and steals a car because he feels like it, he’s going to spend time in a new community. It is called jail.

The antidote: train to the biblical standard.

Each parent will have a different personality or temperament. But you must be a
team. If a child knows that Mom is more lenient on certain things, the child will use that to their advantage. Both parents have to have the same expectations and boundaries for the household. Both parents have the task of training to biblical standards. Don't play “good cop, bad cop.” This places a wedge between the “nice” parent and the “harsh” parent.

Sometimes one parent may not want to reward or punish a child until they have consulted with their spouse. That's fine. Often my wife would tell the children, “When Dad comes home, we will both decide what to do with this situation.” That way she wasn’t conflicting with me, we made decisions as a team.

When you give instructions, expect those instructions to be obeyed. Make sure
you have eye contact with the child when you’re giving instructions. Have them repeat the instructions, to you. This ensures that they have understood and heard you. Then expect them to obey. You may want to give them a five minute warning so they can be ready to obey your instructions. Like when you ask them to clean their room or come to supper.
They might need a few minutes to finish the things they were doing. Be aware of their feelings, but also expect them to complete the task you have given them.

 

Questions

How has your childhood affected your view of parenting?

Do you tend to be a threatening/repeating parent?

 

Do you fit in to the bribing parenting model?

 

Do you negotiate in conflict?

 

What are some steps you’re going to take to move towards scriptural parenting, rather than what you have experienced as a child?